ANOINTY, 'NOINTY

The Man with Two Brains

Ha-ha, I just now get the title, on account of how I’m dating a hot genius with a big dick.

And yes, I’m a genius, too. Thanks for asking.

The Man with Two Brains is a fucking cinematic tour-de-force. Sissy Spacek is inspirational in an uncredited role as a brain. Gray matter, indeed.

Because of this movie, when I grow up, I want to be Kathleen Turner. See it, and you’ll switch from whatever side you are currently on to the other side. Ass man? You’ll become a titty man by film’s end for sure.

I’m contractually obligated to use “titty” at least once per review.

Watch this space for my next magnum opus, a review of the made-for-tv-weepy “I Want to Keep My Baby”, starring Susan Anspach and her Spacek-like cheekbones. I’m on a fucking roll.

Eat me, Super Glossy

Handle with Care

Some pervert from the interfacewebbook told me to rent The Candy Snatchers. I liked the title and knew nothing about it. I knew even less about the guy who told me to rent it, so it seemed like the right thing to do. Candy Snatchers stars Los Angeles and a host of sexyish actors nobody ever heard of and certainly all of whom went on to do nothing. They perform with panache until some autistic kid shows up and completely stole my heart without ever saying a word. He’s like Mongo from Precious, but extraordinarily white and kinda sexy. Candy Snatchers puts damaged kids in the driver’s seat but for what reason, I do not know. I do know that if I were an autistic child in the 1970s, I’d be running all over the Hollywood Hills trying to get in some such trouble. Who would care? Charles Manson and Warren Beatty would be wreaking havoc on every shit-for-brains asshole in the city and I’d be home by dinner. But what really scared me about The Candy Snatchers is if I were a kid today I’d totally be diagnosed autistic or assbergery or bi-friggin-polar or whatever people choose to submit to and my parents would have me on every drug known to man. I’d still find my way on to the internetts though and I’d surely sell my attention-deficit ass to the first troll who offered me $5.00; the kind of upstanding citizen who’d recommend The Candy Snatchers. Ta Ta, Rock Hard