Sweat Dreams...

Jessica Lange's fucked up, dysmorphic face is my new favorite hobby.  I can’t stop looking at it and all of its recent incarnations.  I remember when I was a kid I thought she was the prettiest girl in the whole wide world...I'm gay now and she's just another victim of this shitty city I live in.  I somehow thought she’d hold out and never get plastic surgery. Seems I’ve not been on the internets for the last 5 years ‘cause all she got is face work.  What would Sam Shepherd say?  Who cares...If there’s ever a hemorrhoid face desperately needing surgery it’s his.  Maybe he had some work done, I don’t know.  Holy muther of fucking god, WTF?  What would Tootsie say???  My mother used to drop us kids off at the local movie theater/babysitter in Mineola where I saw 2 pair of breasticles that are forever etched in my stinking, good for nothing brain:  Jessica Lange’s boobies being fondled by an ape in King Kong and Genevieve Bujold’s itty bitties on a balcony in Coma.  Coma and King Kong…My life in a nutshell.  Thanks, Mom.  Sit on it, Rock Hard.

Parallax F. U.

Last month my credit card got hacked and some shithead fucker assholes charged $1,500.00 in gas and 7-11 slurpees in my name. This seemed like the best time to cancel my Netflix subscription. I mean, I drive a 1997 Saturn, I have no cell phone and no job, so why not, right? It just means me and the library will become that much closer. So, I rent The Parallax View. It's free but I really can't stand Warren Beatty. Really. If you stare at his face long enough it turns inward and becomes one big mound of lumpy flesh. Do it. Right now. Pause Dick Tracy, take your hand off your cock and stare directly into the vacant eyes of Shirley's evil, twin brother. His face will disappear...Right? I know.

Let's face it, he's been criminally miscast in every movie he casts himself in. The Parallax View is no exception, except the movie is so gay it's scary...Not gay scary, just apocolyptically gay scary. And there are no women in it (although one could argue Miss Beatty certainly fills out her bra in every scene) with the exception of Poor Paula Prentiss, an actress even worse than La Beatty, who steals the first 10 minutes of this otherwise deadly dull, man on man "action" thriller. She's killed off right away while sporting a suspiciously boyish hairdo. Who needs chicks? Certainly not Warren Beatty, who incidentally was William Friedkin's first choice for the lead in Cruising. He lost out to Al Pacino, who clearly has a bigger dick...See you soon, Rock Hard

A Man and His Pussy.

When I was growing up in the '70s and sort of growing up in the '80s, I thought Paul Mazursky was some hack who just wanted to suck Sidney Lumet’s cum out of Martin Scorsese’s freshly fucked ass. Now that I’m old and mature, I’ve allowed myself to view two of his movies I always hated but had never seen. Last Stop Greenwich Village totally got a time I know nothing about (NYC in the '50s) and generously talks about abortion (I’ve had two) and has Christopher Walken doing something that’s supposed to impress me. I say rent it for Shelley Winters ‘cause she’s dead now and was the best thing on Roseanne. Harry and Tonto I always knew I hated ‘cause it was always shoved down my hole one way or another and male actors make no sense to me (unless they are Ernest Borgnine, Laurence Harvey, Dirk Bogard or Shelly Duvall.) And I hate cats. But the cat is minor and you know it’s gonna die and when it does it’s totally real and not sad. I cried at other moments though and Art Carney kicks ass, but in a way that makes me want to rent Defiance with Jan Michael Vincent and the slasher actress from Raging Bull I saw shopping at Ross Dress-for-Less. That doesn’t mean I’m going to rent An Unmarried Woman, ‘cause I’m saving that for menopause. Speaking of menopause, I’ve got to rent Scenes from a Mall…Write back soon, Rock Hard

Hey Hey Hello!

I love Parker Posey. And I love her despite the fact she made me say “Broken English is a gem!” No, it is…and I say this despite the fact that "director" Zoe Cassavettes totally ripped off her own daddy’s flick, Minnie and Moskowitz.  Was I the only loser who noticed this? But, really, anyone could have directed this movie and John Cassavettes was just some fat fuck from Long Island who lucked out by landing Gena…So, Broken English stars Parker Posey, New York City, and Paris. Parker Posey is bigger and better than those two dirty cities combined. I’m officially the president of her fan club. Peter Falks is the treasurer and Ben Gazzarra is the secretary. Email me for details.  SWAK, Rock Hard

Chick Flick Haiku #5

my husband's not gay

so shut up anne bancroft and

hang up your toe-shoes

Doo Diligence #1 (or how I stole your email message and made it my film review)

"...I thought of you last night while watching International Velvet. What a seriously messed up film that is. First there are scenes of Tatum O'neil running with the horse on the beach like they are lovers and then a scene with the horse IN the passenger cabin acting up, so they shoot it mid-flight. Thank God I was not high! But it had the actress who was in The Stepford Wives who goes around at the garden party saying "If I don't get this recipe, I'll just die." Me and my gay brother used to say that line to each other as kids..."

(Thank you anonymous worker at some large and lame research museum type place that's free but you pay a lot for parking...Really nice garden though...and the gift shop? Divine. Join the museum today and get 10% off your purchase.) xo, Rock Hard

Chick Flick Haiku #4

shelby, o shelby!
sally wants a third oscar
won’t get one for this

Turkish Delight

All week I’ve been thinking about forgotten oscar-nominated actresses Candy Clark and Tuesday Weld…This made me think of non-oscar nominated, forgotten actor Brad Davis. He was in three gay movies that made me gay. Sybil (a TV movie, but who cares), Midnight Express and Querelle. In Sybil, Davis played the doomed love interest to Sally Field’s doomed, fractured gay man, Sybil. In Midnight Express he played a guy from Long Island who gets thrown in a Turkish jail for smuggling drugs. If that wasn’t bad enough, he has a hot shower scene with some dude I always thought was John Hurt. I think John Hurt is in that movie, but he has nothing to do with this hot scene of male on male tenderness that made me want to move to Turkey at the age of 12. Querelle is a shitty movie made by the über-genius Rainer Werner Maria Fassbinder. I’ve never seen Querelle but I know it’s über-gay. Fassbinder was über-gay. Brad Davis wasn’t sure he was über-gay…But Hollywood was sure he wasn’t. He got the AIDS and now he’s dead. Candy Clark and Tuesday Weld are somewhere in Los Angeles, I am sure…Why ain’t they making movies still? Meh, Rock Hard

Chick Flick Haiku #3

her mother's bossy
husband cheats, children annoy
all cry as she dies

We Take Requests: Kitten Trouble

A loyal and lovable reader, SlimPickinLicker, told us this is his favorite film. I'd have to agree. If we can edukate one viewer with this cautionary tale, our work here is done.

Eat this:

Kitten Trouble

Crest!

Should-be silent film star Winona Ryder looks like poor Matthew Laborteaux: really great skin and big, wet eyes that kind of make you want to push their collective face in the dirt. But that could cause pimples. Toothpaste works great on getting rid of pimples, I know. Oh, you're out of toothpaste? Well, why don't you just run down to the little corner store on the fucking prairie and grab one and stick it in your fucking pocket? Regretfully yours, Super Glossy

Chick Flick Haiku #2

mothers speak wisdom
white boyfriend brings loss of face
let's play mah-jongg now










Written with love by our friend, Eurostar.

Black Swan, I Can See Your Dirty Pillows

I went to see Black Swan alone on my birthday. I thought, in the back of my mind, that Winona Ryder would be good in it, that she’d book it and…well…I don’t even know why I care about Winona Ryder. She sucked in it and I think she sucked in every other movie she’s been in. Right? She must be stupid because she had no lines in a pivotal role and pretty much ruined herself in a movie that even Barbara Hershey sucked in. Robert DeNiro is almost as bad as Winona Ryder but he’s some fucking macho bullshit white troll who fucks black women while douchebag, dick sucker mini-men all over the world and New York and Los Angeles who hate black people secretly think he’s hot and jizz over Taxi Driver and Raging Bull…Horsedookie…Did DeNiro make a movie with Winona Ryder? Was DeNiro in Black Swan? Would DeNiro make out with Justin Timberlake in a taxi after a night of drugs and alchohol? Would Timberlake eat out DeNiro’s pussy in a pseudo-fantasy cum ballet nightmare cum Turning Point chick flick? Cum in my ass, Robert DeNiro. Winona Ryder? Would you kindly felch DeNiro’s spunk outta my gaping hole? Merci, Rock Hard

Chick Flick Haiku #1

barbara hershey dies
bette midler takes her daughter
sings uplifting song



Chick Flick Haiku, a recurring feature by our faithful reader and contributor, Eurostar. Ciao for now, bitches.