We Take Requests: Kitten Trouble

A loyal and lovable reader, SlimPickinLicker, told us this is his favorite film. I'd have to agree. If we can edukate one viewer with this cautionary tale, our work here is done.

Eat this:

Kitten Trouble

Crest!

Should-be silent film star Winona Ryder looks like poor Matthew Laborteaux: really great skin and big, wet eyes that kind of make you want to push their collective face in the dirt. But that could cause pimples. Toothpaste works great on getting rid of pimples, I know. Oh, you're out of toothpaste? Well, why don't you just run down to the little corner store on the fucking prairie and grab one and stick it in your fucking pocket? Regretfully yours, Super Glossy

Chick Flick Haiku #2

mothers speak wisdom
white boyfriend brings loss of face
let's play mah-jongg now










Written with love by our friend, Eurostar.

Black Swan, I Can See Your Dirty Pillows

I went to see Black Swan alone on my birthday. I thought, in the back of my mind, that Winona Ryder would be good in it, that she’d book it and…well…I don’t even know why I care about Winona Ryder. She sucked in it and I think she sucked in every other movie she’s been in. Right? She must be stupid because she had no lines in a pivotal role and pretty much ruined herself in a movie that even Barbara Hershey sucked in. Robert DeNiro is almost as bad as Winona Ryder but he’s some fucking macho bullshit white troll who fucks black women while douchebag, dick sucker mini-men all over the world and New York and Los Angeles who hate black people secretly think he’s hot and jizz over Taxi Driver and Raging Bull…Horsedookie…Did DeNiro make a movie with Winona Ryder? Was DeNiro in Black Swan? Would DeNiro make out with Justin Timberlake in a taxi after a night of drugs and alchohol? Would Timberlake eat out DeNiro’s pussy in a pseudo-fantasy cum ballet nightmare cum Turning Point chick flick? Cum in my ass, Robert DeNiro. Winona Ryder? Would you kindly felch DeNiro’s spunk outta my gaping hole? Merci, Rock Hard

Chick Flick Haiku #1

barbara hershey dies
bette midler takes her daughter
sings uplifting song



Chick Flick Haiku, a recurring feature by our faithful reader and contributor, Eurostar. Ciao for now, bitches.