Way back when I had netflix, after a week staring at my netflix, I figured I had 20 minutes before People’s Court came on to watch Black Snake Moan. With remote in hand and the distant memory of L.A. billboards showing a pervacious Ricci imprisoned by the black man, I pushed the fastest fast forward possible and was rewarded with a gem of a Lifetime chick flick…I learned that in less than two weeks I could be cured of my whorey, sexy, wicked, dirty ways by slapping my thighs, hugging a Timberlake or simply being chained to a radiator…I mean, if she could be cured in two weeks and decide she should stay with a Mouseketeer and not be with her righteous, black daddy, then I could do anything…Somewhere in this potpourri of southern voodoo camel-toe sexiness is a shitty movie. I cried twice and I rewound and zoomed in on several scenes but really, People’s Court was calling and I refused to stop now. It was that good. On top of it all, the lovely and forgotten Kim Richards was featured as Ricci’s trashy mommy. This fucked me up on many levels. How can the star of Escape and Return to Witch Mountain even be available for this? Plus, I checked her out on IMDB and she was born in Mineola, NY. But that’s where I’m from and she’s only a little older than me and I don’t ever remember seeing her smoking pot, sucking dick or setting fires in the abandoned reservoir near the public pool off Westbury Ave. Maybe she was in Los Angeles auditioning for the Rockford Files…Avec tit, Rock Hard
