The Stepford Wives
is a 2004 remake of the 1975 classic, staring the waxy Nicole Kidman as Joanna
Eberhart, a television executive who survives a flashy assassination attempt by
a disgruntled reality TV show contestant, only to be fired from her position of
power. After a sparky bought of electroshock therapy, Joanna and her husband
Walter, played by Matthew Broderick, move the whole family (two nameless,
faceless children included) to the picturesque town of Stepford,
Connecticut.
Johanna stands out as a dry, emaciated and monochromatic career woman (the
human equivalent of VIA instant coffee) in a town where all of the other women
are shiny, elegant and vacant, (the human equivalent of Jordan
almonds). Joanna encounters a friend in the loud and disagreeable misfit writer
Bobbie (Bette Midler), as well as an adversary in the magnificent town
matriarch, Claire (Glenn Close). Well, eventually, through a series of unlikely
occurrences, like a cameo of Faith Hill literally do-si-do-ing into oblivion at
a town Square Dance, Johanna realized that the charming women of Stepford are
in fact housewife/RealDoll robotic facsimiles of a group of power hungry women
who were once CEOs, judges, etc. (keep an eye out for a portrait of Faith Hill
in a Hillary Clinton costume during Johanna’s research). And it was none other
than their emasculated husbands who forcibly placed them into this state of
fabulous limbo. Matthew Broderick has a change of heart just as he is about to
oblige Johanna into sublime Stepford submission (it is not made clear how this
happens, but there is a hairless, eyeball-less Joanna robot in once scene), and
instead simply presses many buttons all at once in the main control room of the
Men’s Club. All of the brain microchips go berserk and short out, the Stepford
ladies come to their senses, and oh boy, do the husbands have some hell to pay!
All in all, this movie didn’t make much sense, but it looked fantastic. For example,
we are to accept that there is a woman who dispenses money out of her mouth
like an ATM, and to not question how Joanna’s sad and floppy brown
administrative hairstyle becomes icy blond and waist length. Apparently, a lot
of content had to be edited out for various reasons (including a scene where
mutated Bette Midler spreads open her breasts to reveal a frosty cavity for
beers) so what was left was this Crazy-Quilt of a film? Perhaps
The Stepford Wives would have benefitted
from some more decidedly dark content, like all of the wives electrocuting
their husbands with a “shocking” kiss goodnight...
Written by the Cole Chickering
What
kinda bitch made this piece of shit? The kinda bitch who uses the
fucking word 'meta' and orders decaf espresso and thinks, "Hey, I'm
drinkin' espresso!" Bitch you're not drinking espresso you're drinking
your espresso flavored lifestyle and washing it down with fuck, fuck and
shit. You know, the kinda bitch who thinks you give a shit about what
they're talking about while you're yawning and thinking about getting
drunker quicker just so the bitch's bullshit might go down
slightly more easily. But it doesn't, because the bitch doesn't just
talk, the bitch talks about what the bitch is talking about but never
just talks. Talking about what you want to talk about and how you want
to talk about it, that's what this bullshit is. Like a dog that takes a
shit in your house, then eats the shit before you can clean it
up, then throws the shit up but eats that too before you can clean it
up, then throws that up too and wags its tail for approval.
