BSM on FF

Way back when I had netflix, after a week staring at my netflix, I figured I had 20 minutes before People’s Court came on to watch Black Snake Moan.  With remote in hand and the distant memory of L.A. billboards showing a pervacious Ricci imprisoned by the black man, I pushed the fastest fast forward possible and was rewarded with a gem of a Lifetime chick flick…I learned that in less than two weeks I could be cured of my whorey, sexy, wicked, dirty ways by slapping my thighs, hugging a Timberlake or simply being chained to a radiator…I mean, if she could be cured in two weeks and decide she should stay with a Mouseketeer and not be with her righteous, black daddy, then I could do anything…Somewhere in this potpourri of southern voodoo camel-toe sexiness is a shitty movie.  I cried twice and I rewound and zoomed in on several scenes but really, People’s Court was calling and I refused to stop now.  It was that good.  On top of it all, the lovely and forgotten Kim Richards was featured as Ricci’s trashy mommy.  This fucked me up on many levels.  How can the star of Escape and Return to Witch Mountain even be available for this?  Plus, I checked her out on IMDB and she was born in Mineola, NY.  But that’s where I’m from and she’s only a little older than me and I don’t ever remember seeing her smoking pot, sucking dick or setting fires in the abandoned reservoir near the public pool off Westbury Ave.  Maybe she was in Los Angeles auditioning for the Rockford Files…Avec tit, Rock Hard

Sweat Dreams...

Jessica Lange's fucked up, dysmorphic face is my new favorite hobby.  I can’t stop looking at it and all of its recent incarnations.  I remember when I was a kid I thought she was the prettiest girl in the whole wide world...I'm gay now and she's just another victim of this shitty city I live in.  I somehow thought she’d hold out and never get plastic surgery. Seems I’ve not been on the internets for the last 5 years ‘cause all she got is face work.  What would Sam Shepherd say?  Who cares...If there’s ever a hemorrhoid face desperately needing surgery it’s his.  Maybe he had some work done, I don’t know.  Holy muther of fucking god, WTF?  What would Tootsie say???  My mother used to drop us kids off at the local movie theater/babysitter in Mineola where I saw 2 pair of breasticles that are forever etched in my stinking, good for nothing brain:  Jessica Lange’s boobies being fondled by an ape in King Kong and Genevieve Bujold’s itty bitties on a balcony in Coma.  Coma and King Kong…My life in a nutshell.  Thanks, Mom.  Sit on it, Rock Hard.

Parallax F. U.

Last month my credit card got hacked and some shithead fucker assholes charged $1,500.00 in gas and 7-11 slurpees in my name. This seemed like the best time to cancel my Netflix subscription. I mean, I drive a 1997 Saturn, I have no cell phone and no job, so why not, right? It just means me and the library will become that much closer. So, I rent The Parallax View. It's free but I really can't stand Warren Beatty. Really. If you stare at his face long enough it turns inward and becomes one big mound of lumpy flesh. Do it. Right now. Pause Dick Tracy, take your hand off your cock and stare directly into the vacant eyes of Shirley's evil, twin brother. His face will disappear...Right? I know.

Let's face it, he's been criminally miscast in every movie he casts himself in. The Parallax View is no exception, except the movie is so gay it's scary...Not gay scary, just apocolyptically gay scary. And there are no women in it (although one could argue Miss Beatty certainly fills out her bra in every scene) with the exception of Poor Paula Prentiss, an actress even worse than La Beatty, who steals the first 10 minutes of this otherwise deadly dull, man on man "action" thriller. She's killed off right away while sporting a suspiciously boyish hairdo. Who needs chicks? Certainly not Warren Beatty, who incidentally was William Friedkin's first choice for the lead in Cruising. He lost out to Al Pacino, who clearly has a bigger dick...See you soon, Rock Hard

A Man and His Pussy.

When I was growing up in the '70s and sort of growing up in the '80s, I thought Paul Mazursky was some hack who just wanted to suck Sidney Lumet’s cum out of Martin Scorsese’s freshly fucked ass. Now that I’m old and mature, I’ve allowed myself to view two of his movies I always hated but had never seen. Last Stop Greenwich Village totally got a time I know nothing about (NYC in the '50s) and generously talks about abortion (I’ve had two) and has Christopher Walken doing something that’s supposed to impress me. I say rent it for Shelley Winters ‘cause she’s dead now and was the best thing on Roseanne. Harry and Tonto I always knew I hated ‘cause it was always shoved down my hole one way or another and male actors make no sense to me (unless they are Ernest Borgnine, Laurence Harvey, Dirk Bogard or Shelly Duvall.) And I hate cats. But the cat is minor and you know it’s gonna die and when it does it’s totally real and not sad. I cried at other moments though and Art Carney kicks ass, but in a way that makes me want to rent Defiance with Jan Michael Vincent and the slasher actress from Raging Bull I saw shopping at Ross Dress-for-Less. That doesn’t mean I’m going to rent An Unmarried Woman, ‘cause I’m saving that for menopause. Speaking of menopause, I’ve got to rent Scenes from a Mall…Write back soon, Rock Hard

Hey Hey Hello!

I love Parker Posey. And I love her despite the fact she made me say “Broken English is a gem!” No, it is…and I say this despite the fact that "director" Zoe Cassavettes totally ripped off her own daddy’s flick, Minnie and Moskowitz.  Was I the only loser who noticed this? But, really, anyone could have directed this movie and John Cassavettes was just some fat fuck from Long Island who lucked out by landing Gena…So, Broken English stars Parker Posey, New York City, and Paris. Parker Posey is bigger and better than those two dirty cities combined. I’m officially the president of her fan club. Peter Falks is the treasurer and Ben Gazzarra is the secretary. Email me for details.  SWAK, Rock Hard

Chick Flick Haiku #5

my husband's not gay

so shut up anne bancroft and

hang up your toe-shoes

Doo Diligence #1 (or how I stole your email message and made it my film review)

"...I thought of you last night while watching International Velvet. What a seriously messed up film that is. First there are scenes of Tatum O'neil running with the horse on the beach like they are lovers and then a scene with the horse IN the passenger cabin acting up, so they shoot it mid-flight. Thank God I was not high! But it had the actress who was in The Stepford Wives who goes around at the garden party saying "If I don't get this recipe, I'll just die." Me and my gay brother used to say that line to each other as kids..."

(Thank you anonymous worker at some large and lame research museum type place that's free but you pay a lot for parking...Really nice garden though...and the gift shop? Divine. Join the museum today and get 10% off your purchase.) xo, Rock Hard